Yes folks, I’m going to say it…Douchebag! I have found that my husband and I use this word in an abundance of ways, and it has become a common refrain in our house. We use it to refer to annoying people on the news, and to people who generally act in a jerk-like manner. Most often however, we are using it in reference to our dog, Bailey.
I know what you’re thinking…”Aw, look at that cute, sweet dog. How could they call her a douchebag?” Well, you haven’t met Bailey. Generally speaking, she is a great dog. She’s supremely protective our our baby, she never has accidents in the house, and she will guard our house fiercely against any strangers walking by outside (be they human, canine, feline, or avian). But then there is the douchebaggary…
My husband and I are convinced that when we leave, Bailey takes out her detachable thumbs and puts them on. She has opened a sealed canister of protein powder (That little stunt ran us a measly $1000 at the vet!). She has eaten an unopened pie off our our counter while we were out to dinner (My husband was none too pleased, since he passed on dessert at the restaurant in anticipation of the pie waiting for us at home!). She gets into the trash if we forget to latch the child safety lock on it (which is there for her, not our son). She chases our cats incessantly and tries to “dominate” them in a not so appropriate way. And every evening starting around 6:00, she sits in the living room and whines and scratches at our coffee table incessantly demanding chewies until the time we go to bed. Last Saturday, she took an entire plate of take out pasta in marinara sauce off our counter while we were just in the other room! She pulls on the leash. She stops dead in her tracks if you try to get her to run with you. And she tries to bite you if you try to do anything to her that she doesn’t want you to do (like clip her nails, check a potential injury, or put Frontline on her for fleas and ticks). So yes, when she pulls these stunts, which happen on pretty much a daily basis, we call her a douchebag. She even responds to the name now.
Sometimes, even when she’s trying to be really good and do the things she’s supposed to do, her behavior ends up having the opposite result she had hoped for. Last Friday, someone in our neighborhood was setting of fireworks. Bailey worked herself up into a panic and went from room to room checking on each member of the family to make sure we were all OK. Sounds adorable, right? It was…until she scratched on the baby’s door to check on him. I had spent about an hour getting the baby to sleep that night, and Bailey’s scratch, of course, woke him up.
I suppose we should stop using the “D” word soon since there is an impressionable baby in our home now. I just don’t think we’ll ever find a word that suits her as well. All things considered, Bailey is a good douchebag.