No One Told Me…

No one told me that when you have a second child, everything changes. Of course I knew that from the first. But no one ever really tells you all of the emotional shit that comes along with having a second child. No one told me that my first child, in all his three-year-old glory would turn into a veritable monster. No one told me that the baby would need to nurse at precisely the same moment that I was trying to spend some quality time with the monster. Every. Single. Time. No one told me that bedtime would go from taking one hour, to taking more than three.
But more importantly, no one told me that all of the emotion I felt with my first child would be compounded more than two-fold with my second. No one told me that when I held my new baby in my arms, not only would I be flooded with love for her, but also with the memories of holding my son when he was as small. No one told me that when I began to contemplate returning to work after 3 months with my daughter, I would become teary-eyed with the memory of leaving my son for the first time 3 years ago. No one told me that I would lie in his bed at night and be completely overwhelmed by how big he’s gotten after holding my tiny three month old just minutes before. Every ounce of love and emotion I feel for her is blanketed with nostalgia for the time gone by with him. It’s replete with the knowledge that all too soon, this time with her will be a fleeting memory too, and I will be looking at her with amazement at how big she’s gotten. No one told me that when I see my son now, I also see what the future holds for my daughter. Their lives, past, present, and future, are intertwined in a way that I never expected, wrapped up in me. When I look at either of them, I see them both.  I look at her, and I see him back then. I look at him, and I see her in the days and years ahead. It’s more surreal than I expected, and so much more awesome. And no one told me.

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